The Cake Was Gone and Other Tales
by The Moss Stomper
Summary: Reno weaves fanciful tales that amuse, baffle and occasionally horrify his audience. Often based in a made-up kingdom ruled by an unhinged King Shinra, the Turk's unconventional fairy tales feature his coworkers and other familiar faces in sticky situations. Peek between the lines and you may find the stories reveal a thing or two about the storyteller himself.
1. The Cake Was Gone

**Summary**

 _A crime has been committed. The guilty party must be found and punished. It should be a simple task, but in this tale nothing is quite what it seems. How did the Turks end up as the heroes? How do dragons and pixies fit into the picture, and what the heck is a unibo?_

 **Features** : Tseng, Elena, Rude, Reno, and glimpses of several other familiar faces such as the Shinras, Reeve and Nanaki.

* * *

 **The Cake Was Gone**

* * *

King Shinra was beside himself with woe and ire.

"Who could have done such a foul deed?" cried he, slamming a meaty fist on his throne.

"Fear not, my liege," said Reeve, dressed in the blue robes of the royal roboturge. "The guards are searching the grounds as we speak. They will find–"

"Never mind that! Think of the cake! The festivities are ruined!"

Agitated murmurs spread among the royal court. _The festivities_ , whispered the nobles, wringing their hands. _This cannot be!_

"I know who it was," chimed a shrill voice. "I know who devoured the cake."

The court fell silent as a slight figure fluttered in through the open window and hovered before the king. The being was no larger than a jackdaw, with the iridescent wings of a dragonfly and the body of a woman.

"My lady Elena," greeted the king with respect, for pixies were known for their powerful magicks and short temper. "Pray tell us, who was the fiend?"

"It was the dragon that dwells in the mountain!"

The whole court shuddered in a collective gasp. Even the king himself had gone pale, but he faced the crowd with a grim countenance.

"Who will rid me of this troublesome beast?"

 _The dragon_ , they whispered in hushed tones. _The fell beast of the mountain. Breath of fire, eyes of ice._ Not a single soul volunteered for the task.

"Hang on," said Reeve. "Why would a dragon eat a cake?"

"Silence!" roared the king. "Do you dare to doubt our esteemed witness?"

"A dragon is huge, my liege. Wouldn't someone else have seen it?"

As the king and his advisor squabbled over the matter, a traveler from foreign lands observed the cowardice of the king's court with equal measures of disdain and ambition. _This is my chance_ , thought Tseng. _When I succeed, these people will welcome me as a hero_. He stepped forth, head held high, his inky-black hair shrouding his shoulders like a cape.

"I will hunt down this dragon for you."

A fresh susurration of whispers rippled through the court behind his back.

"As will I."

Tseng glanced to his right at the sound of a deep, sonorous voice. Another man had come forth, with olive skin and robes that showed the dust and wear of travel. A stranger to this land, like himself. A monk, perhaps, for his head was shaved bare.

"And I," cried the pixie, dashing through the air to Tseng's side. "You will need my magick to vanquish this fearsome foe!"

This was not what Tseng had planned, but the air hummed with whispered excitement and approval.

"It is decided," proclaimed the king. "Perform this task to my satisfaction and you shall not be murdered in gruesome ways for failing to do my bidding!"

 _Wait, what?_ thought Tseng, but decided it wise not to speak his words out loud.

King Shinra, his advisor and the whole court escorted the trio of adventurers to the city gates.

"Go forth and punish this wretched defiler of cakes!" cried the king as the massive gates swung shut. "Bring me its eye as proof of your bravery, or prepare to be murderized upon your return!"

Reeve cleared his throat.

"My liege, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Oh, yes, _that_ ," sighed the king. "My only child is missing. You'll sort that out too, won't you?"

"Wait," said Tseng, "what?"

The gates closed with a reverberating clang. A deep stillness fell.

"This is a land of fools," said the other man.

Tseng faced him and gave a formal bow in greeting.

"You strike me as a man of sense. I am Tseng. May I know your name?"

"Rude."

"Is that a name or a description?"

The man gave him a blank look.

"Both."

Tseng decided to refrain from further attempts at wit.

"So, the dragon dwells on the mountain, but what of this second task? Any ideas?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" chirped the pixie, flitting about in excited circles. "The dragon is the answer to everything!"

"Explain," rumbled Rude.

Elena let out a sigh of impatience.

"Must I explain the plainest facts to you two? Dragons _always_ kidnap princesses. It's what they do!"

"Kidnap princesses... and eat cake," said Tseng.

"Well, I admit devouring cakes is not a common characteristic," said she, flicking the fringe of her blonde bob backwards with a hasty swipe, "but in this case the culprit is known."

"Did you witness the dragon's deed?"

"Well, no... But I know it to be the work of a dragon!"

"You saw tracks?"

"Not exactly, no..."

"Heard witness from others, then?"

"No, but I know it to be true!" exclaimed she, pink in the face. "Who else would commit such a foul deed?"

 _A land of fools_ , thought Tseng, but set off along the road leading to the mountain. He had a quest to complete, and come what may, complete it he would.

The road ahead was long and arduous. Halfway to the mountain, the adventurers had succumbed to weariness.

"My wings are killing me," sighed Elena. "At this rate, we shall collapse with exhaustion before ever setting foot on the mountain."

Tseng beheld the drooping shoulders of the trio's most taciturn member. They looked as heavy as his own feet. He also noted Rude's lack of visible weaponry.

"Odd that the king would neglect to supply the defenders of his honor and kin. All I have is my crossbow."

"Well, King Shinra is a traditionalist," mused Elena. "The other week he tasked a cook with serving cheese made from chocobo milk. Before that he challenged a knight to squeeze wine out of a stone. The three of us killing a dragon with our bare hands is par for the course."

Tseng gave this some thought.

"How did the other two solve their conundrums?"

"They didn't, of course. Both were murdered in horrible ways when they failed."

Rude and Tseng exchanged a glance.

"The king is a lunatic," concluded the latter.

"That is the popular opinion, yes," admitted the pixie, "but the nobles find him an _entertaining_ lunatic."

A howl brought the discussion to a swift end.

"Quick!" yelled she. "Over there!"

The group dashed in the direction of the noise. As they approached, they heard words among the growls.

"Oh! Woe! My paw!"

Some way into the woods sat a four-legged beast with red fur and a flaming tail. It held a trembling paw in the air.

"An injured, talking animal!" whispered Elena. "What luck!"

"Explain yourself," said Rude.

The pixie rolled her eyes.

"Did your mothers not tell you fairy tales as babes? If you help an injured beast that talks, it will reward you with its aid. See the thorn in this one's paw? All we need to do is pull it out."

"I guess we _are_ in dire need of aid," mused Tseng.

"Then it is decided! I will make sure the beast stays put. Rude, you grab and hold it down while Tseng removes the thorn."

"Wait–"

Tseng was too late. The pixie shot into the clearing, fist held high.

"Freeze, beast!" shrieked she, waving her fist, now shimmering with magick. "Or I will blow you sky-high with a fistful of pixie dust!"

The animal snapped up its head, its maw agape to reveal a wicked set of glistening teeth.

"Wha–"

Rude slammed into the beast, tangling a fist in its mane and pinning the writhing body to the ground with his own weight.

"Wait!" cried the animal. "What are you–" It yelped when Tseng grabbed its ailing paw in a firm hold. "Barbarians! Villains! Somebody, help!"

"We _are_ helping you!" yelled Elena. "Be silent, ungrateful wretch!"

" _Ungrateful_? Why I ought to–" The animal yowled as Tseng pulled out the thorn.

"See? We made it all better. Now be a good boy and give us our just reward."

The men released the red-furred animal and backed away, keeping it between them and Elena.

"Reward?" it growled. "You have the nerve to demand a _reward_?"

Elena narrowed her eyes, raising her fist. A few specks floated down, glimmering in the sunlight, and flared up in blue flame where they touched the ground.

"You know how the world works, red one. We are on a quest to slay the dragon of the mountain. We need aid and wisdom. Give them to us."

It glowered at her, then at each man in turn.

"Fine. Here's my sage advice: don't bother."

"Wrong answer," said the pixie, pulling her arm back.

The red beast clawed at the ground, hastening to scramble away on three good legs, but the men stepped up to block its escape.

"Okay, okay! I will tell you a secret kept from all mankind. A grove east of here guards a magical creature. It is home to the only unibo in this wretched land."

"A unibo!" gasped Elena. "The fabled one-horned bird with diamond claws?"

"That is the one," sighed the beast, head hanging. "Its wisdom will guide you in the coming battle."

A newfound hope kindled in the hearts of the adventurers. After offering a bow and his thanks, Tseng led the group in the direction of the grove.

"Gaia knows the birdbrain has more wit than the lot of you combined."

The muttering was so quiet Tseng was not sure he had heard it at all. When he looked back over his shoulder, the flaming beast was gone.

A good ways deeper into the forest, Elena began to sense an eldritch power. The men dropped to the ground and crawled closer to its source, while she shielded them with pixie magick that dampened their sounds.

Within a peaceful grove, the trio beheld a sight that stole their breaths away. In a field of bluebells stood the legendary creature. Its plumage shone purest white, while sunlight glittered on its crystalline claws. Its neck followed a graceful curve and from its forehead, just above the regal beak, spiraled a single slender horn.

"Any clever ideas?" whispered Tseng.

His companions shared a look and shrugged. He sighed, then got up to his feet and held out his hand.

"Here, pretty bi–"

The unibo bolted. Within seconds, it had vanished from view.

"Well done," said the pixie, glaring with her fists on her tiny hips.

"Next time, you can try."

"What makes you think there will be a next time? This was our chance, a unique–"

"The tracks are clear," said Rude, rising up from his crouch among the bluebells. "Follow me."

He led them on a windy path through the woods, over hills and around thickets. The trees cleared, revealing a wide stream. As they prepared to cross, a mighty bellow sent them into a terrible fright. It was a bear, taller than any man and twice as wide!

Tseng grabbed his crossbow, while Rude dropped into a fighting stance. The pixie raised her fist, summoning her magick.

"Eat pixie dust, wicked creature!"

Just then, a gust of wind tousled Elena. Her handful of dust went astray and shimmered down on an unsuspecting Tseng. The man yowled and dropped his crossbow, his hair set ablaze by a series of miniature explosions. Preoccupied as he was, Tseng had no chance to defend himself as the bear bounded up on its hind legs and swept him into a crushing embrace.

"Don't worry, bubby!" roared the beast. "Mukki will save you!"

With a mighty splash, they both vanished into the river. A few seconds later the pair reappeared, Tseng mashed against the bear's chest. The man spat both water and curses in a language unknown to his companions.

"How are you doing, bubby?" asked the bear. "Feeling good yet?"

Elena and Rude stared. They exchanged a glance, then continued staring. Tseng remained in a firm hold, but the sputtering had ceased.

"Um," said the pixie, "are you okay there?"

"We're just fine," rumbled Mukki. "Isn't that right, bubby?"

"Peachy," said Tseng, muffled by wet fur. The bear gave him a pat on the head.

"You shouldn't scare people like that, you know," huffed Elena, flinging her arms across her chest.

The bear scowled.

" _I_ scared you? You're the ones who scared _me_ , sneaking up on me like that!"

"Um, mister bear?" said Tseng. "You can let me go now."

"Aw, you can stay a while longer. Bathing is nice."

"I must insist. We have a unibo to catch."

"A unibo, you say? Ohh, then Mukki understands, and can help some more!"

The bear released Tseng and lumbered out of the water, coming to a halt by a shrub. It pierced an orange orb with a claw the size of a finger, then held it out for the man who was staggering out of the river.

"Unibos can't resist the fruit of mimett greens. Show the fella one of these and he'll be eating out of your hand. Literally!"

"You have my thanks," said Tseng in a voice as blank as his expression. Water dripped from his drenched sleeve as he pulled the fruit off the claw.

"Don't forget me, now," purred the bear with a conspiratorial wink. "Come back and bathe with Mukki any time, bubby!"

As Rude picked up the unibo's trail and guided the trio into the woods, Elena gave the bear a merry wave.

"See?" crooned she with much satisfaction. "Be kind to animals and they will help you in return. It's practically the law in these parts."

Silent, Tseng sloshed onward in his soggy boots.

They came upon the unibo in another clearing. It stood in a ray of sunlight, watching the butterflies that frolicked nearby, drawn to the creature's mystical presence. Tseng quietly cut the fruit in half, took a deep breath, then stepped into view with half the treat held high in his palm. He cleared his throat.

"Here, birdie."

"You're supposed to sound _friendly_ ," hissed Elena from the shadows.

"I _am_!"

Rude shushed them both. "It's working."

The white-feathered bird was approaching with hesitant steps, sniffing the air. A few more steps brought it close enough to nudge Tseng's fingers with its beak. Up close, he could see the horn was as translucent as the claws, sparkling in the colors of the rainbow. As he held his breath, the unibo took one more step forward and accepted his offering.

"Um... Do we wrestle it?" asked the pixie as the bird nibbled on the fruit.

"I don't think that will be necessary," murmured Tseng, careful not to spook the bird.

"Threaten it, then?"

The unibo finished its treat, sniffed the air, then stepped closer to sniff Tseng's clothes. He smiled, triumphant.

"I believe having some fruit in my pocket will keep the bird around."

"Oh." She gave it some thought. "How boring."

"Greetings," said Tseng, addressing the unibo. "We wish to partake of your wisdom."

The bird cocked its head and peered at the man.

"Try flattery," urged Elena in a stage whisper.

"Oh, graceful creature," said Tseng, complete with a bow. "Dazzle us with your profound knowledge."

The unibo made a gurgling sound and clawed at the ground. Tseng was beginning to feel like a fool.

"Perhaps its wisdom is conveyed through actions, not words," suggested Elena uncertainly.

"I'll try riding it. Stand back."

The unibo watched with much curiosity as Tseng took hold of its neck and wing. When he swung himself onto its back it gave a squawk of surprise and danced around, but made no move to throw off its rider.

"Oh... Oh my," gasped Elena, blushing. "You look so... _dashing_."

"I'm ready," declared Tseng, raising his chin, his singed hair fluttering in the wind. "Let us hunt down this dragon!"

Thus reinforced, the adventurers at last reached the mountain with rejuvenated confidence and strength. Elena had rested her wings by riding on Tseng's shoulder, but even Rude, who citing monastic vows had declined to ride the unibo, seemed eager to tackle the challenge. Together, they came upon the mouth of an enormous cave. A low rumbling sound could be heard within, waxing and waning at a steady pace.

The noise echoed off damp walls of jagged rock and grew stronger as the group crept deeper into the dim cavern, until Tseng was certain its source had to be just beyond the next bend. He signaled a halt, then skulked close enough to take a peek.

A colossal body, covered in scales of shimmering scarlet, lay in the middle of the cave. A tapering tail wrapped around the creature, shielding its rear limbs from view. A head twice the length of a man rested on the front limbs, decorated by a crest of countless uneven horns. The eyes were closed and the sound resonating through the cave was its heavy breathing.

"The dragon sleeps," whispered Tseng to the others. "This is our chance. I will attack from the front on the unibo, while you two take the flanks."

There was no time to waste. Once the pixie and the bald man had taken up positions on either side of the unibo and signaled their readiness, Tseng charged. The one-horned steed obeyed, rounding the corner with mighty bounds. The second it laid eyes upon their foe, it squeaked and scrambled to a halt. Leaping into the air, bucking wildly, the bird threw the rider to the ground and galloped out whence they had come.

"Tseng!"

He blinked, dazed, until his eyes focused on the small figure hovering in front of his face. Then, with a gasp, he leapt to his feet and whipped his head around to stare at the dragon. Tseng could only watch in horror as an eyelid cracked open, sliding upward just enough to reveal an eye as blue as the sky on a pale winter morn. The creature took a breath, then blew a great puff of smoke through its nostrils.

"What the hell's goin' on? Can't a guy take a nap in peace 'round here?"

The booming voice reverberated off the cave walls and rattled the very bones in their bodies. The crossbow in Tseng's hands trembled, too. It took every ounce of his willpower not to turn tail like the unibo and flee for his life.

"You do not scare us, foul beast!" cried Elena. " You shall pay dearly for your crimes!"

The pupil shifted to focus on the being fluttering by the dragon's massive head.

"Huh?"

"We have come to liberate the princess," said Tseng, "and to seek revenge for a cake cut down before its prime."

"Ain't no princesses 'round here. No cake, neither. Now piss off. I got a nap to finish, yo."

The eye snapped shut. Soon, the cave's air vibrated with the sounds of steady breaths.

Tseng glanced at his companions. Rude shrugged, but the pixie was so red in the face he feared she might combust.

"False words won't save you from justice, fiend!" shrieked she and threw a fistful of pixie dust in the dragon's face.

The explosion was drowned out by the mighty roar. The beast pushed itself up on its hind legs, shaking the ground with a powerful smash of its long tail. Towering over them, the dragon raised its hands, splaying wicked claws curved like sickles.

"The hell's wrong with ya?" it whined, clutching its face. "That frickin' _hurt_!"

Upon seeing the distress on the dragon's face, the adventurers were overcome with shame, for they could now see that this noble creature was made of much awesome. Tseng wavered but for a moment, for his duty was clear. Honor demanded that he complete the king's quest to the best of his ability.

"We can see no princesses here, that is true, but we must investigate the thieving of the cake. A... " He glanced at the pixie. "A _rumor_ places you at the scene. What say you to this?"

"Wasn't me."

The dragon glowered at him, its eyes bright with anger, and Tseng sensed no lie. However, he was not one to trust mere words.

"What proof have you of your innocence?"

"C'mon, look at me! Dragons are carnivores." The dragon patted its belly, covered in gleaming red scales. "If I eat even a lil' bit of cake, my guts will be twistin' in knots for days!"

The adventurers knew this to be true, but had never considered the consequences of a dragon's dietary needs. To think that a powerful creature like this could never partake in such a simple, sweet pleasure. The shame in their hearts was joined by pity.

"Forgive us, oh mighty dragon!" cried Elena, wringing her hands. "We were blinded by hasty assumptions and wronged you most grievously."

The dragon lowered its hands and gave a shrug.

"Eh, whatevs. I've got thick skin, no hard feelings. Hey, since you're here anyway, wanna hang out for a bit? Play truth or dare, maybe? Twenty questions?"

The adventurers traded uncertain looks. The duty of the royal quest weighed heavily upon their shoulders, but in their hearts of hearts they knew they could not make this magnificent creature suffer unjustly.

"We must return to the king with proof of the dragon's demise," said Elena, "lest he send others in our stead."

The dragon leveled its head with the trio, gazing upon them with suspicion.

"Uh, what proof?"

"King Shinra demands your eyes," explained Tseng.

"What?!"

"Well, to be exact, the king asked for just the one eye..." said Elena, giving the dragon an appraising look.

"What's up with you weirdos?" cried the dragon, yanking its head far out of reach. "I'm tryin' to be all diplomatic and shit, but you guys are makin' it _real_ hard, yo."

"That won't be necessary," said Tseng. "We will seek a replacement and fool the king."

"Finally! An idea that doesn't, y'know, _suck_!"

"I heard rumors of a slain zolom in the great marshes," said Rude.

"Yeah, that's true. Some dude with a huge sword stuck one of 'em into a tree the other day."

"Then we have a plan," said Tseng. "We will find this impaled zolom, take one of its eyes and return to the king."

After fond farewells, the trio left the dragon in his cave and marched down the mountain. At the edge of the great marshes, they came upon the impaled body of the giant snake. Elena flew up to pop out an eye and Rude caught it in a sack. With a great sense of determination, and no small amount of apprehension, the adventurers returned to King Shinra.

The royal court bubbled with excitement upon their return. _How thrilling_ , they murmured. _Either a tale of untold bravery or a gruesome execution!_ Paying the crowd no heed, the trio stepped up to the king on his throne.

"Hail, King Shinra," called Tseng, standing tall and proud. "We have done your bidding. The dragon is slain!"

"I trust the dragon put up a formidable fight?" asked Reeve, the king's advisor.

"It did indeed, sire!" Elena hovered by Tseng's head, pointing at the missing half of his hair. "Behold our hero's hair, singed in battle!"

"Yes, yes, that's all well and good," said the king with a dismissive wave, "but what of your tasks?"

Rude hefted the sack off his shoulder and released its contents. The court gasped in unison as the fleshy orb rolled toward the feet of their king. _It is done_ , they gibbered. _The deed is done!_

King Shinra scrutinized their prize with narrowed eyes.

"The fell beast of the mountain is described as having 'breath of fire, eyes of ice', is it not?"

"So I have heard, your highness," replied Tseng.

"This eye is yellow."

He glanced down, and felt a lurch in his gut.

"Yes, your highness."

"Have you ever seen yellow ice?"

"Um, well... It's not unheard of, if–"

"Enough!" yelled the king. "Where is my heir?"

"You called, Father?"

Heralded by the gasps of the court, a young man clad in finery of the purest white strolled into view.

"Rufus, my son! Where have you been?"

"In the library, attending to my studies as you wished."

"You said the child was a princess!" hissed Tseng to Elena.

"Don't blame me! It's so hard to tell the difference with you humans!"

Meanwhile, the king continued the questioning of his son.

"But you have missed meals for two days!"

"Fret not, Father. I commandeered a cake from the kitchens."

The king was struck speechless, but the court erupted in agitated murmurs. Reeve dropped his face in his palm with a sigh.

" _You_ ate the cake?" cried King Shinra. "Why would you do such a thing?"

"I was in need of a snack," said the prince. "The cake sat right there on the table."

As the adventurers followed the royal conversation, their hearts filled to the brim with vexation.

"Let's go hang out with the dragon," said Tseng to his companions. "This is a silly place."

And so the trio returned to the mountain and lived happily ever after.

* * *

"Reno," Tseng sighed, "the President did not eat my birthday cake."

The other man scowled at him. The effect was somewhat lessened by the layer of flour dusting his face and bright red hair.

"'Course he did. Who else could've done it?"

"You!" Elena exclaimed. "Who else than you _would_ have done it?"

Reno threw up his hands, sending puffs of flour across the countertop.

"Oh, c'mon, Laney, think I'd ruin it for ya? I know how hard you worked on it!"

The blonde sent a glance in Tseng's direction, her cheeks turning a bright pink.

"I-I didn't work on it _that_ hard..."

"Yeah? This is pretty damn hard if ya ask me!" Reno shook the bowl of batter in her direction, then slammed it down hard enough to splatter some on his hands. "Y'know who would eat it and not give a shit?" he grumbled, wiping his hands on the frilly apron. "The Prez. 'Course it was the Prez."

"You saw him, then?" Tseng asked.

"No, but–"

"Am I to assume you found evidence at the scene?"

"Well, no, but the–"

"Someone else told you they saw it?" Elena asked, her poker face betrayed by her twitching lips.

"Dammit, guys," Reno groaned, "ya weren't s'posed to remember all the dumb details."

"We're Turks," Tseng said. "It's what we do. Speaking of dumb details, why bring back old President Shinra?"

"'Cause the story's meant to be back in 'ye olde times', duh."

"Uh huh. Mukki the bear, then?"

"And the Cosmo Canyon cat-dog?" added Rude, who stood guard by the kitchen door.

Reno let his head loll back in a grand display of frustration.

"C'mon, everyone knows a good story's gotta have talkin' animals. 'Sides, how else would Tseng have found the unibo?"

"Which brings me to my next question, 'why the unibo'?" Tseng said dryly.

"And why was I a pixie? And so _annoying_?"

"At least you weren't a monk."

"Why was I the only woman in the story, anyway? Oh, don't forget the cocoa."

Reno grabbed a spatula and stabbed half a cup of cocoa powder into the cake batter.

"You're all a bunch of joyless critics," he groused. "Jerks, too. I mean, what kinda bastards gang up on a guy while he's takin' a nap? That just ain't fair, yo."

Tseng arched an eyebrow.

"Since when do Turks fight fair?"

"C'mon, boss man, this is bullshit," Reno whined as he sloshed the batter into a baking tin. "You gotta know it was the Prez."

He shoved the cake into the oven and flipped it off before closing the hatch. Tseng waited until he had straightened up again.

"You're missing an important factor in this equation, Reno." A devilish smile spread across his features. "I can't make Rufus bake me a cake."

* * *

 **A/N:** I recently read An Opinion On The Internet which claimed that all dragon stories and movies suck. This made me sad, as I think dragons are totally awesome, but I couldn't come up with a counterexample. (Can you? Let me know, I'd love to check it out!) That's when the dreaded sentence of doom hit my brain. You know the one. _"I'll Do Better And Prove Them Wrong!"_ Yep, it struck me hard. I sat down, all fired up and ready to write a dragon story that would be the best dragon story in the history of _ever_ , and my mind produced... this.


	2. What Maketh a Man - And a Cait

**Summary**

 _Reeve the inventor arrives at King Shinra's court seeking patronage; instead, he is posed a challenge that promises either a very bright future or a very short one. Worst of all, the task is clearly impossible – or is it? Desperate times call for desperate alliances, and Reeve ends up with strange – and unsavory – bedfellows. Soon, he realizes his attempts to avoid the king's punishment have only dropped him in hotter water..._

 **Features** : Reeve, Reno, Scarlet, Hojo, Cait Sith.

* * *

 **What Maketh a Man... And a Cait**

* * *

The young inventor dared not breathe. The king's answer would decide his whole future.

"I will grant your request for patronage," declared King Shinra at last.

Reeve breathed in.

"If..."

 _Oh fiddlesticks_ , thought Reeve.

"...you complete a challenge!"

"As you wish, Sire," said he with a genteel smile, for he wished to keep his head a while longer.

"You will bring to me a seer of the future!"

The court quivered with poorly contained excitement. _It will not be that simple_ , they reassured each other in hushed tones. _It never is!_

"A seer... Who is neither man nor beast!"

"Very well, Sire."

"A seer... Who is neither alive nor dead!"

Reeve's courteous expression was beginning to hurt his face.

"Of course, Sire," said he. "I'll get right on that."

"Good man," said the king. "You have a week."

As the king's guards shuffled him out of the throne room, Reeve wondered if a week would be enough to scrounge up sufficient coin for a decent burial.

It was but a fleeting moment of weakness, for the inventor was a stubborn man. Two days he spent huddled over a desk in the king's library, leafing through tome after tome, until he discovered a treatise on seers by the esteemed court wizard Hojo. The wizard's work was thorough, describing the physiology of seer specimens in minute, albeit gruesome, detail. A seer's power lay in the eyes, Reeve learned. He hatched a plan. If he acquired a seer's eyes, he would acquire their gift.

He also learned that while demons were commonly blessed with foresight, it was a rare gift indeed among humans. As Reeve was a clever man, he had no desire to grapple with demons. But where could he find the eyes of a human seer in as little as a week? This was the question he posed to everyone he came across in the castle. He slipped into the king's throne room and canvassed the minor nobles in the back. Some politely declined having any such knowledge. Others gave him funny looks and suddenly remembered important errands in another part of town. The next day, most excused themselves before he could even introduce himself.

The inventor's spirits fell. He left the throne room disheartened, intent on seeking answers elsewhere, but before he could reach the courtyard, a woman caught up with him. A woman in the mostly tightly laced bodice he had ever seen, he could not help but notice. Her lips were the same blood-red hue as her dress. Reeve wondered if this was one of the women his mother had warned him about before he embarked on his journey.

"Tarry a while, _inventor_ ," said she. "I have a proposition for you."

Reeve felt the heat flood his face.

"I-I'm in a bit of a hurry–"

"Cease your stammering. You will come with me at once."

"But I–"

"Do you know who I am?"

Her blue eyes seemed to radiate an icy threat that froze the tongue in his mouth. Reeve shook his head, shrinking under her frigid glare.

"I am the king's _personal_ advisor. You may call me Lady Scarlet. Now move, unless you wish to lose your head _before_ the week is at an end."

She seized his arm in her vice-like claws. The touch chilled him to the marrow of his bones, and he was left with no choice but to follow.

Down halls and up stairways she took him. As they reached the upper floors which housed the king's advisors, a strange sight drew his eye. It was an automaton, no larger than a child and plated in gleaming gold. It tottered back and forth on stiff legs, accompanied by the whirs and clicks of unseen cogs within.

"Do not interfere with the guardians," warned Scarlet. "They are not as harmless as they look."

Reeve had heard of them, these metal guardians of Shinra. They were the envy of every inventor east of the great sea.

Alas, the woman did not allow him a closer examination. She brought him to a room, bare and unfurnished but for the banners lining the walls that bore the red diamond of Shinra's crest. A sallow man in a white robe stood hunched and still in the room's midst, like a gargoyle in wait for prey.

"Hmm," muttered he, peering at the inventor with beady eyes. "The quality of the skin leaves something to be desired, but the forehead exhibits a noble prominence. Potentially of use for my phrenology."

The man's voice scraped at Reeve's ears like sandpaper.

"Meet Hojo, the court wizard," said Scarlet.

 _Oh flappyjacks_ , thought Reeve.

"Greetings, White Wizard," said he with a wary bow. "Your reputation precedes you."

"As does yours," said Scarlet. "The whole court has heard that you seek the eyes of a seer. It just so happens that I know where you can get them."

" _I_ knew of the seer," snapped the wizard. "We seek the same prize, inventor."

"A far-seer named Aerith dwells in the hinterlands up north, traveling with a backwards mountain tribe," said Scarlet, ignoring Hojo's interruption. "Capture her and bring her here. Her eyes shall be your reward. Hojo gets the rest."

 _Something in the water_ , thought Reeve. _There must be something in the water around here._

"I'm not sure about this plan," said he. "It seems a tad illegal."

"I am the king's personal advisor. As long as you do my bidding, darling, you need not fear the law."

"It also strikes me as rather lacking in the ethics department."

Scarlet raised an eyebrow.

" _You_ are the one asking for eyes, inventor."

"Yes, but... I didn't mean ones that are still _attached_ to someone."

"Where exactly do you believe unattached ones come from?" asked Hojo.

The wizard stared at his eyes, unblinking like a serpent. Reeve swallowed and tried not to think of the diagrams of dissected eyeballs he had seen in the treatise.

"What about you, Lady Scarlet?" asked he. "What do you get out of this?"

"Well... It is such a shame to cut down a fine young man before his time," crooned she. "The court could use more handsome faces like yours."

The woman's smile was as unnerving as the wizard's stare, but it was her cool finger tracing his jaw that made Reeve consider fleeing into the nearest monastic order.

"It will never work," he sighed to himself. "I'll run out of time before I get even close."

"The seer will be cautious and hard to track down, but I am sure you are capable of it," said Scarlet, oblivious to his thoughts. "While you hunt, we will create a vessel for the eyes. I will furnish you with the metal body of one of my metal guardians. Hojo will provide the pelt of a great red cat."

"I will _not_ ," countered the wizard. "I acquired the specimen mere days ago. There is much yet to study."

"What can you possibly hope to learn from that wretched thing?" scoffed Scarlet. "It will best serve our goals as a pelt. We must create an imitation of a furry beast!"

 _It could also be something in the air_ , mused Reeve. He knew of dangerous vapors that could drive men mad by slowly rotting their brains.

"An automaton covered in fur?" questioned he. "What will that accomplish?"

Scarlet gave a most self-satisfied smile.

"A being that is neither man nor beast, neither alive nor dead."

"Yes, but... _fur_?"

She fixed him with her cold blue eyes.

"It would not please the king to see one of his steel guardians perverted for your cause. A disguise is wiser."

 _Inbreeding_ , thought Reeve. _Maybe inbreeding is the simplest explanation_. Nobles had the unfortunate tendency to favor bloodlines before sanity, after all. King Shinra was a shining example of it.

"This discussion is pointless, for I will not relinquish the specimen," droned the wizard. " _Research_ will best serve our goals, no matter the subject. Ignorance has plagued this land for centuries. _I_ will change this."

If those two would not come to an agreement over their mad scheme, they would remain here all day, and Reeve with them. He could not afford to waste that much time.

"May I make a suggestion?" asked Reeve. "Perhaps you could shave the, um, 'wretched thing'? The fur alone should be enough to conceal the metal chassis."

The king's advisors traded a look. Scarlet raised her eyebrows. Hojo was silent a while.

"That is acceptable," said he at last.

Reeve breathed a sigh of relief. However, if he wanted to keep his life, he would still need a seer.

"I don't suppose you have any suggestions for how to reach this Aerith? If she's the real deal, she'll, you know, _see_ me coming."

"There is a creature that may aid you," said Scarlet. "The fell beast of the mountain."

"What?!"

"Is it not obvious? The far-seer is the last princess of her people. If you wish to kidnap a princess..."

"...ask a dragon. Wonderful."

Even in a village as small and remote as Reeve's, the young and the old alike told hushed tales of the fell beast of the mountain, terror of the skies. A dragon red as blood, with breath that burned hotter than any furnace.

He was _so_ dead.

"Well, I'd best see to it then," Reeve said with his finest politest smile. "Wouldn't want to show up late and keep the dragon from his dinner."

Never do tomorrow that which you can do today, his mother had taught him. Reeve saw no reason not to apply the advice to gruesome deaths, too. Besides, death by dragon had a certain ring to it, compared to a simple beheading.

It took most of the afternoon to find a coachman willing to travel to the mountain. He stopped a good ways from the foot of the mountain and refused to go any nearer.

"You will you wait here, then?" wondered Reeve.

"Why?" said the coachman. "You're gonna go get eaten by the dragon, aintcha?"

"I'd like someone to witness the encounter and tell the tale of my bravery."

The coachman scratched his head.

"It's just gonna be a bunch of screamin', innit?"

"I'll pay you double."

"Well, why didn't ya say so to start with?"

After handing over the payment, Reeve climbed off the coach. The mountain loomed above them, jagged and dark. A rocky path wound its way off the road toward the mouth of a large cave. The inside of the cavern was shrouded in a darkness as black as the blasted ground outside.

With a deep breath, the inventor began the march up the path.

"I can go as soon as the screamin' starts, yeah?" yelled the coachman.

Reeve pretended not to hear him.

After the blinding sun of the plains, the cave's darkness was impenetrable. Reeve stood by the mouth of it, peering in. He pricked his ears, too. A few drops of water echoed from within. Loose rocks rattled faintly, but the direction was impossible to tell.

"Hey, mister!" hollered the coachman from the road. "Hurry up and get ate already! I wanna get back before dark!"

Reeve gritted his teeth, then stepped inside.

"Uh, hello?" called he in a trembling voice. "Mister Dragon?"

Deeper and deeper he ventured. The stink of sulphur hung heavy in the air, amongst other foul odors Reeve did not wish to identify. Each unsteady step sapped more and more courage from his knees.

"Hello?"

A hot wind hit his face, whispering of fiery death. He felt a presence beside him, but the next moment it was gone. Reeve had had enough. Forcing his wobbly knees to cooperate, he turned on his heel and fled.

He only made it a single step. An enormous body blocked his way, a great black silhouette against the brightness beyond the cavern's mouth. As he goggled in terror, the dark mass shifted. A head, crowned with a crest of twisted horns, rose high above him. Two giant eyes glared down into him, glittering like pale blue diamonds in the darkness. Without warning, the beast let out a mighty roar.

Reeve's knees gave up.

"Oh elfadunks!" cried he as he landed hard on his behind.

The creature's bellow dissolved into a snorting staccato.

"Oh man, that was priceless!" exclaimed the dragon, cackling with laughter. "You should've seen your face!"

Reeve gaped. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but the dragon appeared to be wiping tears from the corners of its eyes.

"Sorry, man, couldn't resist. Name's Reno. Who the hell are you?"

"Reeve. I-inventor."

"Well, Reeve Inventor, you ain't wavin' a sword in my face, so I'm guessin' you ain't tryin' to commit suicide by dragon. How come you're sneakin' into my lair?"

Reeve could scarce believe his ears. He had a chance after all! He would have liked to present his case while upright, but his legs were not ready to cooperate. Seated on the ground, the inventor squared his shoulders and took a deep breath.

"My lord Reno–"

"Pfft, what's with this 'lord' bullshit? It's Reno. Re-no. Nothin' more, nothin' less."

"Right. Um, I'm hoping I might hire you for a job."

The dragon tilted its head to one side.

"That's a first. What sorta job?"

"There's a princess I need kidnapped."

"Is that right? Keep talkin'."

"Her name's Aerith. I'm told she hides in the northern hinterlands."

"I know of her, yeah. What she ever do to you?"

"Well, nothing," admitted Reeve, rubbing the back of his neck. "It just so happens that I'm very attached to my head and would like to remain that way."

"How's nabbin' a princess gonna help?"

"I need to complete a task if I am to live. To do that, I need the eyes of a seer."

The dragon huffed. The puff of smoke from its nostrils made Reeve's throat itch.

"Sorry to break it to ya, but you got it wrong. The girl ain't a seer. She _listens_. Hears voices, that sorta thing. Bit creepy if you ask me, yo."

The dragon's body shook in a shudder so mighty that Reeve felt the ground vibrate under his feet. It did nothing to alleviate the state of his knees.

"B-but they want the princess," stammered he. "They told me she was a seer!"

The dragon's eyes narrowed to slits.

"'They', huh? Who's they?"

"King Shinra's advisors. Lady Scarlet and the court wizard."

The dragon stared at him for a while.

"So all ya really need is a seer's eyes, right? Not the whole princess?"

When Reeve nodded, the beast's lips drew back, revealing sharp teeth.

"Y'know, I just might be able to help ya out after all."

"Name your price, then. It has to be gold and jewels for you dragons, right?"

"Nah, I ain't one of 'em traditionalists. I'm thinkin' maybe we can help each other, yeah? You scratch my back, I scratch the eyes outta some real seer's skull."

"That sounds... _horrible_."

"'Kay, how about this? You scratch my back, I get ya what you need, no questions asked."

Reeve gave it some thought.

"That does _sound_ better," he conceded. "What do you want in return?"

"Told ya already, you scratch my back. I got this real itchy spot _right_ between my wings and these arms are way too short, see?" The beast threw an arm over its shoulder and scraped its wicked claws across the scales beneath its wing, igniting a shower of sparks. "Gotta get my hands on a back scratcher before I go nuts. I figure a brainy dude like you might come up with somethin' handy for me, eh?"

It was the most sensible request Reeve had heard since leaving his village. For the first time all week, he did not have to manufacture a smile out of manners alone.

"Sure. No problem."

"Awesome. Dontcha worry 'bout a thing, inventor man. Ol' Reno's got this, yo."

The chocobo coach was still waiting by the road.

"Oh, hey again," said the coachman as Reeve bounded down the path. "I heard a bunch of noise, but it wasn't _screamin'_ , really, so I figured I oughta–"

"To the nearest farm, my good man!" yelled the inventor, swinging himself up on the coach. "And make it quick! There's no time to lose!"

At sunset on the third day Reeve returned to the cave, his heart filled with equal measures of hope and trepidation. He had less than twenty-four hours to go. Tomorrow he would have to present himself – and his miraculous seer – at King Shinra's court. He fervently prayed the dragon had succeeded.

The dragon perched above the mouth of the cave, its leathery wings outstretched to soak up the last rays of the sun. The red scales shimmered in the afternoon light, as if the beast was made of living flame.

As Reeve climbed the steep path, the dragon leapt down to meet him. The tremor nearly sent him rolling down the mountainside.

"I've got whatcha asked for," said the dragon once Reeve had clambered all the way up. "Here ya go."

It dropped a pair of fleshy balls into the inventor's cupped hands. Nausea roiled in his gut as he examined them. The orbs in his hands stared back up at him. The irises were an icy blue, so very much like... Reeve swallowed hard.

"These eyes, they seem... awfully familiar."

"Yeah? Well, they ain't from nothin' human, if that helps. Got 'em from this real mean ice demon I hunted down for ya. No one's gonna miss her, yo."

"Oh. Oh... good?"

"I'd sure as hell say so," said the great beast, cleaning its teeth with a claw. "Now, how about your part of the bargain?"

"Follow me," said Reeve, hurriedly tucking the eyes into a pouch where they couldn't look at him. "It's not far."

The coachman had left the custom-made implement by the side of the road as instructed. Three rows of iron spikes had been welded to a heavy frame. A six-foot metal pole jutted out from the narrow end and made the whole thing look much like a giant hairbrush.

"It's a spike harrow," explained Reeve, "with a few modifications for, uh, draconian use."

The dragon wrapped its clawed hand around the handle. Lifting the scratcher onto the coach had taken the strength of four grown men, but its new owner raised it as if it were a mere twig. The metal groaned as the dragon smacked it down between its wings and raked the spikes across the gleaming scales.

"Oh, this is _perfect_ ," purred the beast. "Thanks, inventor man. Nice doin' business with ya."

"Happy to help," said Reeve, basking in the pride of a job well done. "I'll just get out of your, uh, horns now."

"Oh, hey," said the dragon before he could take a single step, "I'm gonna head down to the beach. Maybe find some thunderbirds to roast, y'know, make a picnic of it. You wanna come with?"

Reeve declined, though regret crept up on him the moment he turned his back. The dragon seemed like a decent fellow. One day he would return, the inventor vowed to himself. Assuming he lived to see the end of the next one.

Arriving back at King Shinra's castle, Reeve made haste to the wizard's workshop. An odious stench lingered in the air. It may have emanated from the cages that lined the walls, filled with all manner of strange beasts. One stranger than most caught his eye. It huddled in a corner of its cage, bare as a newborn babe. Its tail was on fire, but this did not seem to bother the creature; instead Reeve was the focus of its baleful glare.

"Ah, the inventor with the exceptional forehead," droned a nasal voice by Reeve's ear, making him jump. Hojo was hovering by his elbow. "Where is the specimen?"

It took him a few moments to connect the court wizard's words with the princess Aerith. _Oh featherpuffs_ , thought he. In his haste to design a back scratcher of titanic proportions, Reeve had forgotten his other obligations.

"She'll be delivered to you later," blurted he in a panic. "She's... at the healer! Because, uh... You know, the whole eye thing."

He gave a nervous laugh, that petered out as Hojo continued to stare at him with those blank soulless eyes.

"Very well," the wizard said at long last. "The experiment, such as it was, was a success."

He pointed at a mound of hair on a workbench. Reeve waited politely for him to continue, but Hojo shuffled over to a cage and picked up a stick.

"A success, you say," said the inventor uncertainly.

"Yes. Terribly dull and unimaginative, but functional. Take it and leave."

As he spoke, the wizard examined the ends of the stick; one blunt, the other pointy. Reeve turned away to study the furry heap. He frowned, then approached it with wary steps. He gave it a tentative poke. Beneath a thin layer of hair, his finger found a surface hard as steel. No, hard as _gold_ , he realized upon a closer look.

It _was_ the promised vessel, only... it was not quite what Reeve had expected. As far as he could tell, the wizard had dunked the guardian in a vat of glue, then emptied a sack of shorn fur over it.

"Its, ah, appearance leaves something to be desired."

"Function over form," said the wizard in an absent-minded mumble, prodding the caged critter with the blunt end of the stick.

"There is no function. It's just a mindless drone!"

Hojo poked the critter again. It snarled, snapping its jaws. The wizard made a humming sound and picked up a piece of parchment.

"Function of inanimate objects is _your_ task, not mine," said he, scribbling down several lines with a feathered pen. "Get to it, boy."

The inventor could not leave, however, until he had voiced the question that was nagging at him.

"Where's Lady Scarlet?"

"I do not trouble myself with petty concerns like the whereabouts of the king's servants. Now begone and leave me to my work. Our dealings are at an end."

The wizard grabbed the stick again, switching to the pointy end. Paling, Reeve snatched up the furry monstrosity and scurried out of the wizard's laboratory.

In the basement of the castle, the inventor set his burden down on the floor of an empty store room. He opened the automaton's face plate, removed the crystal oculi and squished in the seer's eyes in their stead. The blue eyes seemed to stare straight into him, as though they could put an evil curse on him with their gaze alone. After a moment's consideration, Reeve fetched a pot of paint and smeared a thick layer on them.

Painted milky white, the automaton's eyes looked completely blind. _Perfect_ , thought Reeve. _Sightless seers are all the rage these days_.

Everything was in place. Only one step of the process remained: the incantation that would bring it to life. Reeve produced a small box and unlocked it with the key he kept safe on a chain around his neck. Inside was his most prized tool and possession: a small globe glowing with mystical power. Holding the sphere in a closed fist above his head, the inventor focused his mind on the automaton.

"Bolt!"

Lightning leapt out of thin air and crackled across the tiny body, until the spell culminated in a flash so bright it left spots dancing in his eyes. He blinked furiously and squeezed them shut, rubbing his eyelids. When he opened them again, he could make out a tiny figure on the floor. A rather well-illuminated figure. The automaton had caught fire.

"Oh shuttlecocks!"

The inventor ripped off his coat and threw it over the flames, knocking over them both in his frantic attempts to stave the fire. He rolled the automaton back and forth until every lick of flame was extinguished. Then he slumped back, leaning heavily on his hands as he stared at the uneven lump wrapped in his singed coat. His last, single hope had just gone up in smoke.

The coat moved.

Blackened limbs appeared beneath the fabric, clawing at the stone floor. Reeve stared. His mind recoiled in revulsion but he was unable to look away. Inch by inch, the smoking ruin of his future crawled into view. Recoiling in terror, the inventor scrambled backwards until his back hit the wall.

The disfigured automaton jerked and quivered into an upright position. It shambled forward with outstretched hands, until it stumbled on the pot of paint on the floor. The pot fell over, spilling its contents on the floor, and the creature landed face-first in the puddle. To Reeve's dismay, it struggled onto its feet again, its whole front now smeared with white paint. Closer and closer it lurched, as if guided by some unholy instinct for human flesh.

A tiny hand nudged his knee. Frozen in horror, Reeve could do nothing but stare as the creature grabbed hold of him, then patted around midair until it found the other knee. It leaned forward into his face. His nostrils stung from the acrid smoke that rose from the charred fur. The paint clung to its body, painting its belly and face a ghastly white. Its lips drew back, revealing a pair of glistening golden fangs. Reeve squeezed his eyes shut.

"Hey, mister! Wanna hear your fortune? 'Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life.'"

Reeve snapped his eyes open to gape at the knee-high monstrosity before him. A moment ago it had been nothing but an agglomeration of horrors. Now? Now, it was _beautiful_.

* * *

Uneasy murmurs rippled through the court as Reeve strode into the throne room. The automaton waddled along in his wake, shrouding them both in a miasma of burnt fur and paint fumes. Together they took up position before the king.

"Behold, Sire," declared Reeve. "Your challenge is completed!"

The court frothed like a sea of gasps and exclamations, until King Shinra smashed his fist on the throne. His face was pale and grim.

"What is this embodiment of foulness that stands before me?" barked he.

Reeve straightened to his fullest height, puffing out his chest with pride.

"It's a seer that is neither man nor beast, neither alive nor dead," he declared. "I call it Cait Sith, for like the spectral cat of legend, this is a creature of curious and awesome power!"

The creature waved. Its smile did not quite fit with the nose and eyes Reeve had drawn on the paint-smeared face, in a vain attempt to make it less terrifying.

The king considered this for a moment.

"Prove yourself, creature! Provide us with a prophecy!"

"Oh boy, a fortune!" cried the newly-minted Cait, bouncing up and down. "Here it comes! 'Rejoice, for the greatest love of your life approaches!'"

The whole court waited with bated breath. Wary glances darted this way and that, but no one dared speak.

The throne room doors opened. A mousy servant scurried in, carrying a covered tray. _Preposterous_ , the nobles babbled. _The king in love with a servant girl?_

"My liege," said she with a deep curtsey, "here are the cinnamon rolls you requested."

"Hmm," said the king to Cait as he picked up a roll. "Had these been buttery buns I would have been inclined to believe you, but cinnamon rolls?" The king scoffed, handing the roll to the royal taster. "Third greatest, at best."

"Sorry, it's a bit hard to see clearly. Some cheeky bugger splashed paint all over my eyes. It's close enough, innit?"

"I am not convinced. Try again."

"All right, all right. Ahem. 'Beware, for all that glitters is not gold.'"

A hush fell over the court as everyone checked their rings and necklaces. It was broken by a choked cry as the taster slumped to the ground, convulsing and foaming at the mouth.

"See?" cried Reeve. "Those rolls sure aren't golden!"

"They do not glitter either," scoffed the king.

"But it's a metaphorical–"

"Silence! You have one last chance before I have you pecked apart by starving chocobos!"

"Sheesh, okay!" said Cait, its painted face contorted into something that may have been intended as a frown. "How about this one? 'Until the dead walk and the stars fall from the sky, the clan of Shinra shall rule!'"

The silence was absolute. Every eye was glued to the king, who stared at the tiny abomination in barefaced awe.

"That..." said he, drawing out the word, "is an _excellent_ prophecy." The king stood tall and raised his voice. "I deem this challenge met! For this, you will be rewarded!"

In his mind, Reeve rejoiced. He could not wait to make the journey back to his village, patronage secured, and tell his mother all about his adventures.

"I am in need of a new advisor," continued King Shinra, "for Lady Scarlet was found murdered to bits the other day. By this deed, you have proven yourself a worthy successor."

Reeve's mouth fell open. As he stared dumbly at the king, a pair of servants scurried over and draped a blue robe over his shoulders.

"For services rendered to the crown, I hereby grant you the title of Royal Roboturge!" cried the king. "May you serve me well until your dying day!"

 _Oh fiddlesticks_ , thought Reeve.

And so the royal roboturge and his ungodly creation lived anxiously ever after.

* * *

"I'm the unholy bastard child of Hojo and Scarlet?" Cait Sith shrieked, clutching his furry face.

Reno leaned back in his chair, planting his feet beside the toy cat perched on the workbench.

"Yup. True story, kitty cat."

With a pitiful wail, the cat whipped his head around to stare at his creator.

"It's _not_ a true story," Reeve said with a weary sigh. "You know better than to believe a single word he says, Cait. You know what he's like."

The red-haired Turk shot him a dirty look.

"What's that s'posed to mean?"

"It means you're a sneak, a cheat and the worst liar ever employed by the Shinra company," Reeve said absently, his attention focused on disconnecting his robotic cat from the diagnostic tools.

"I resent that," Reno sniffed, crossing his arms in a haughty manner. "I ain't the worst liar ever employed by Shinra. I'm the freakin' _best_ , yo."

* * *

 **A/N** :

Thanks for reading!

I'm marking this story as complete, as each chapter is a finished tale on its own and I don't have a series planned. However, I hadn't planned a second tale in this collection either, and yet here we are. If Reno decides to tell me more stories, this is where they will be added, so feel free to follow this if you're interested!


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